We were in Melbourne two weekends ago for a friend’s wedding (one of Andrew’s hockey mates) and we got to visit Oma twice in that time.  The first time my parents were also there, and the second time it was just Andrew, Nathan and I.  The second visit was not expected by Oma, and she was so happy she didn’t stop smiling the entire time we were there.  She is so happy to be a great grandmother, and Nathan was a lot more interactive with Oma than the first time, so it was a really nice afternoon.

I know that Oma tells me that she’ll never see me again after most visits, but I had a sense of it being true this time, probably because I think she really believes it.   As we were leaving she told me she loved me, and it sounded so final. She is 95 years old (or will be in just over a month), has cancer and was having problems breathing.  I cried as we drove away.  Somehow you never seem to appreciate fully what you have until it is being taken from you.

My experiences with death have all been quick. You get a phone call, essentially out of the blue, telling you of the sad news. It comes as a complete shock, and you will be sad that you didn’t get a chance to really say goodbye. I’ve often wondered whether it is easier or harder to cope with death when you know that someone is dying and you get the opportunity for that final farewell.

My grandmother is dying. At 91 years old she has had a long and, I hope, wonderful life. She has pancreatic cancer and is now in palliative care, having been given weeks, or months, to live. While she is doing ok she is staying with my parents. Although we had just been down to Victoria so that both my grandmothers could meet Nathan, I wanted to go back and see Grandma again now that she is out of hospital. I guess this was mostly for me, but also it was for Grandma so that she could spend a little time with Nathan.

I travelled down last Friday and came home again yesterday. I said goodbye to Grandma yesterday, knowing it was probably the last time I would see her (though I will still be able to talk to her on the phone). I wondered then, what are you supposed to say when you are given the opportunity for that final goodbye? We chatted for a while, but in the end I just gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her.

On the plane yesterday afternoon I looked at my 2.5 month old son lying in my lap and knew that he will never get to know his great grandmother. I am richer for having had such a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, and although she is at the end of her life I hope she is a little happier for having had some time with my son who is just starting his.

Nathan’s first book reading at 3 days old

The first two weeks have been tough. I spent 3 days in hospital, leaving Wednesday afternoon. I was so emotional on the way home, feeling very overwhelmed with everything that had happened in the previous days with the quick birth and the stitches. While in hospital Nathan had had his hearing test done which he passed, I had had the catheter removed (which I had because of the spinal) on Tuesday morning and that made me feel like a new woman really, the IV antibiotics had also finished on Tuesday morning and I was put onto tablets afterwards, I was visited by the Home Midwifery Service people to talk about their service which I desperately wanted to use but didn’t know if I’d be able to get out of hospital early enough to be eligible for it but thankfully I was, I was visited twice by a physiotherapist who talked to me about fibre and bowel movements, and I was worried about Nathan because I was struggling to feed him and my nipples were getting pretty sore and sorry for themselves and he didn’t have enough wet nappies for their liking. The paediatrician saw Nathan just before we left the hospital and he checked out ok, even though he had a little jaundice, and a doctor also came to see me about the antibiotics I’d have to take after I got home. I also went to a couple of the classes that the hospital had running. One was how to bath your baby, and the other was about the first few weeks.

The home midwifery service was fabulous!! A midwife came to the flat on Thursday, Friday and the following Monday, with a phone call on the Sunday to see how we were going. It was so nice to feel that there was still support from the hospital even though I was at home. Andrew and I had lots of questions to ask, all of which were answered.

My stitches have needed maintenance, my feet swelled into balloons every day for the first week and a half after Nathan’s birth, and I have to take additional fibre containing a mild laxative to keep those stools soft.  I have me 6 week post natal check-up booked for mid April, and an appointment at the 3rd degree tear clinic around the same time.

Breastfeeding was particularly painful for the first week and a half. My nipples were blistered and cracked and it was dreadfully painful when Nathan latched on. Thankfully that has all settled down now and it is quite a painless process now. I think Nathan now has the hang of it and is feeding better too, though we have had several unsettled days where he has wanted to feed almost constantly throughout the day.

My parents arrived just after we got home from hospital and stayed until the following Tuesday. It had taken them 2 days to drive up. Andrew’s parents flew up on Saturday morning and went home the following Monday afternoon. So we had quite a full flat for a few days! We tried to have a couple of outtings, but found it is really difficult to leave the flat with a newborn. It took us 2 days just to get to Bunnings which is directly across the road from our residential complex. We also managed a few walks along the beach at Coogee.

Tuesday last week we had an appointment at the Early Childhood Centre at which we answered loads of questions and Nathan was weighed. He was 4.47 kg at birth, 4.16 kg when he left hospital on day 3, unchanged 2 days later when weighed by the midwife, and 4.2 kg when weighed at the Early Childhood Centre.

Thursday last week Andrew and I went to Mumsense, a group for parents and babies up to 4 months of age. It is run by the hospital, and they have talks some weeks and just general discussion other weeks. I think I am going to enjoy going each week.

Nathan has been a pretty placid baby for most of the time. He generally sleeps 4 hours at night between feeds (that last approximately 1 hour each), though he doesn’t sleep much during the day yet. Most of the time he thinks his throat has been cut and screams for food if I’m not fast enough when he first starts complaining. It takes around 30 seconds to go from “I’m hungry mum” grizzle to “GIVE ME FOOD NOW” screaming. I think he likes his baths, he doesn’t seem to like slings (I wish he would change his mind on that) and likes to be held. He also loves to position himself so that his head is wedged under your chin!

Being a mum is nice, but certainly can be tiring and frustrating. I never knew how hard it is to get out of the house with a baby!! I love Nathan to bits though, and certainly wouldn’t give him back, even if I could.